An Unwelcome Guest

So...
About a week ago I was sitting in our recliner when I heard this very loud flapping sound coming from the fireplace. I looked at Allen who said "We apparently have a bird in the chimney." I get somewhat panicked at this thought but Allen reassures me that the flue is shut - so the bird cannot come in. Great. As the days wore on and the flapping continued my thoughts took another turn concerning the bird. "The bird is stuck. The stuck bird cannot get food. The stuck bird that is starving will die. We will have a dead stuck starved bird in our chimney. How do you get a bird out of your chimney?"Of course, Allen's "man" solution is to start a fire and smoke it out. There are a few obvious problems with this idea. I feel it is cruel to roast the bird in the chimney, and if we do roast it - that just leaves us with a dead, char-broiled bird that is still in the chimney. Ashlyn has heard this flapping and asked what it was - she has since been informing any and all guests at our house that there is a bird "up there" (as she points to the chimney). <-- this had no value to the story, I just had to add something about the kid! Fast forward to today at lunch. I opened the garage and walked in. I heard this loud "crashing of dishes" type of noise. I immediately think there is an intruder. That thought is extinguished quickly as I can plainly see the kitchen and there are no humans in sight. I then think there is some sort of varmint. I have visions of rats, opossums, armadillos, etc running in my mind. I cautiously round the corner and find nothing on the floor. Whew. Coast is clear. OR NOT SO MUCH. I glance upward and there on the ledge of our cabinets is a huge grayish colored pigeon thing. Staring at me. I FREAKED OUT. I go straight to my phone. I think; "Allen is gone - he can't come help me. I can call David (Kenna's fiancé) to come extricate this thing - but then I'll look silly." I finally decide to call Allen. After laughing at me he tells me to open the door to the garage, open the garage and "poke a broom at it" Um.. I can open the doors. No problem. But I will NOT poke anything at this raptor-bird that wants to gauge my eyes out. No sir. However, there is no alternative. I can't leave the bird in the house all afternoon. I take a breath. I am going to have to do this myself. I grab the broom and after a few screams I poke at the thing. It flies - into the window. Super. This particular bird is an idiot. I poke at it again - it flies right past the door leading to the outside and makes perch on the window curtain rod in the living room. At this point I realize that not only am I not succeeding I am shewing this thing further into the house. I make one final attempt and after a few more crashes into random objects the bird makes it's way into the garage and finally into the wild blue yonder. I say a prayer, grab my food and eat my lunch in the driveway.