Email conversations...

The following dialogue took place between Jessica and I via email earlier this week:
(*disclaimer… this is not G-rated, and possibly contains false information as well as sexist notions, please read (or don’t) accordingly)



Jessica: Hello Darling! I’m wearing my new scent of choice, but I can’t tell if it smells good or if it wears well throughout the day. Care to take a whiff?

Kayla: Well, I would love to help but my *sniffer is completely blocked. Perhaps if it is in better condition tomorrow?
*This is in reference to me having a stuffy nose…

Jessica: Haha. I’m an idiot. =) Yes, perhaps another day that your little guy isn’t under the weather. Did I just say your nose was of the opposite sex?

Kayla: You did just refer to my nose as a boy. I will have to agree with that seeing as only something with a penis would cause a girl as much trouble as this sniffer of mine has.

Jessica: I would try and comment back to that, but what you just said was brilliant – pure genius!

Kayla: Don’t you know that this is why I call our *monthly visitor* George, rather than Aunt Flo like so many others do? It is because I feel that periods must have a penis. Nothing of female origin would dare cause another female that sort of agony. I mean, it was men who invented the bra, and pantyhose (I’m sure) and all other things of nuisance to women.

Jessica: High hells – oops, I mean high heels…Hmm. What else? There are tons of things I feel. And you are oh so right about calling *him* George. In fact, I think from now on I will do the same.

Kayla: I am SURE that a human with a penis was behind the concept of women shaving legs/underarms and the like. I mean, I do not like to have hair in those places, no doubt. However, I’m sure it didn’t bother women of generations past until some a-hole man decided we looked better without it. And now here we are, spending countless hours ridding ourselves of it. Never you mind that men don’t worry about it. They just go through life – day in and day out – letting leg and underarm hair grow and grow; and they sure as hell don’t ever have to worry about a bikini line. I mean, even the metrosexuals who trim *down there* don’t have to be concerned about going to the beach if they’ve gone a few days without grooming. Those huge, oversized board shorts cover it all up. Which leads me to another man-invented thing. Bikini’s – but that’s for another day.

Jessica: You are on a roll darling! And don’t even get me started pm everything else. Why is it that women must be obsessed with our hair? Products! Coloring! Cuts! New style after new style! All the while, guys were intended to look absolutely heavenly with nothing more than bed head? Why? It takes me hours to look the way I do, but I’m supposed to swoon over something that put no more thought into what he looked like than “which ball cap am I wearing today?” I could look hot with bed head too, but like you said, some a-hole man decided that it would be unacceptable to run around in this fashion.


Kayla: and make up, REALLY? Why must I paint on a face every day (well.. who am I kidding; I only wear makeup on the weekends) to impress a man who probably never even washes his? I must go through layers upon layers of foundation, powder, shadows and blushes, lipsticks and lipglosses, eyeliner, mascara; on and on and on and on – plus spend insane amounts of money on the crap. Meanwhile boys simply run a razor over the 4square inches of their beardline and call it done. I quit. I will become a man. It is as simple as that.

Jessica: Not to mention jewelry and nails?! Colored toenails, really? Yes, because that’s going to get me farther in life. Me man too!

Kayla: My only concern with being a man is the fascination that all males seem to have with their genitalia; and it’s from birth. Smallish men things play with their “junk” even before they know what it’s used for. All of this leads me to believe that because this equipment would be new to me, I would do absolutely nothing but play with myself for months on end, and I refuse to have that much contact with a penis. Refuse.

Jessica: Speaking of males, one just burped disturbingly loud in my office. Why is this acceptable? Why must we be prim, proper and polished when men remain to be piggish, pouty and pungent?

Kayla: Precisely. If I were to just belch right out loud here in the office I would be looked upon as trashy, low-class, rude, etc, while I’m sure whichever of the boy species burped in your office is being congratulated by the other boys for such a wonderful display of gas-release.