Friday, November 9, 2007

Spray Paint… it’s the new Raid.

I hate spiders, bees, wasps – any and all insects/arachnids that have the ability to cause physical pain/death to humans. I hate them. Like, I want every bee, wasp and spider to die a horrible, grueling, tragic death; preferably at my hand. I’ve even manifested a pretty full-proof murder weapon for said pests; Spray paint. Pink spray paint, to be exact. It all started with the discovery of a large spider/web in the entry way to our house. I knew I had to kill this beast but I wasn’t sure how. I couldn’t swing a broom at it to knock the web down – because he would surely crawl straight up the broom handle and promptly bite my hand/arm/eyeball. I really couldn’t think of any method that would ensure the creature didn’t fall onto/around/near me…except for spray paint. So I rummage through the garage and locate my spray paint stash (you know – for getting high) (totally kidding) and grab the black can with evil gratification. But then I pause, and my mind works up an even more malicious ploy – I will spray paint this creature PINK. Because then –as he realizes that he will soon die from the fatal showering of sticky paint, he will also be humiliated knowing that he will parish in a coat of pink. BRILLIANT. So I walk cautiously to the web and carefully take the lid off of the paint – all the while keeping both eyes locked on my victim. I raise the can, aim carefully and engulf the spider with rosy-hued death liquid. It was glorious. All eight legs wriggled and writhed… he eventually fell – slowly – straight to the ground and, realizing he was stuck to himself – gave up the fight. VICTORY WAS MINE!! Much in the same fashion, I murdered a wasp that was threatening to enter my house via the garage last night. There is a large pink circle of paint on the ground – and in the middle is the sticky would-be intruder. I win again.

No comments: